Surviving my abuser

By Salimah McCullough | Published by December 3, 2019

Olake Muhammad, 22, was one in four women in America who experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Only she didn’t realize it until she was already seeing doctors and therapists from the aftermath of her abuser.   

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “one in four women experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases.”  

“I didn’t realize I was in an abusive relationship until I told my therapist what happened during the relationship,” Muhammad said. “My therapist then proceeded to show me a flyer on the cycle of abuse in an abusive relationship. I then had realized that I was being abused.”  

It is common for many victims to not notice or acknowledge that they are in an abusive relationship. Many times the abuser has so much control over the victims’ life that they begin to affect all aspects of their life. 

Some ways that abusers affect their victims’ lives include making their victims feel helpless, have anxiety, and deny or minimize the abuse, which is also known as gaslighting, to name a few. 

“I found myself making excuses for her multiple times. My abuser isolated me from my family and friends causing me to stay in the house all day just watching movies and talking on the phone [to her] due to her request,” said Muhammad. 

Oftentimes, Muhammad would make excuses for abusive behavior. Even after her sister noticed there was something was wrong, Muhammad would say that she was upset or in a bad mood.  

It wasn’t just verbal abuse that Muhammad experienced from her abuser. Throughout the four-month relationship, she experienced verbal, physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Even though at the time, she didn’t realize the signs, thinking back she caught onto many things that counted as huge signs of domestic violence. 

Muhammad addressed her abuser.  “There were multiple signs of abuse. My abuser joked about beating me until I bled and even threatened to beat my sister up,” said Muhammad. Muhammad said that in the span of her relationship, there was one physical assault where she ended up having a bruise on her arm. After addressing her abuser, all she did was tell Muhammad to keep quiet about it. Not knowing what to do, Muhammad decided to keep it to herself. 

Feelings of isolation and distancing themselves from family or friends is something that happens to the majority of DV victims. One of the biggest effects is being hopeful that one day their abuser will change and stop the abuse.

According to an article from thehotline.org, The National Domestic Violence Hotline website,  the percentage of abusers who truly change their ways is very low. But a lot of victims hold onto that small percentage of hope. 

“I stayed because I thought that we could build something. She would break up with me every other day but I always ran back even after the physical assault and joking about beating me up,” said Muhammad. “I was scared of what she would do. I kept telling myself that maybe she would change and that love would be proven to come out of the relationship somewhere if I just tried hard enough.” 

Financial abuse can also be a symptom. According to breakthecycle.org, financial abuse is exerting power and control over a partner through their finances, including taking or withholding money from a partner, or prohibiting a partner from earning, or spending their money. 

Muhammad’s partner controlled her money to the point that she would make excuses about why she didn’t have any money. 

“I would just tell my family that I had bills [to pay],” said Muhammad. “My money (or a majority of my checks) would go to my abuser. I would have to tell her how much money I made and then give most of that money to her.” 

According to HuffPost, 60 percent of Americans know of someone who is a survivor of domestic abuse. Many victims of DV abuse know someone that has also been in an abusive relationship whether that be a parent or a friend. 

“I saw my mom go through abuse with my dad among other family members,” said Muhammad. “In some cases, if you saw abuse you’re inclined to be in an abusive relationship yourself.” 

The majority of the domestic violence awareness movement is focused on heterosexual relationships which can lead to members of the LGBTQIA community to feel as though they aren’t being paid attention to. According to research from ncadv.org, it shows that LGBTQ members “fall victim to domestic violence at equal or even higher rates compared to their heterosexual counterparts.” 

Some 44 percent of lesbian women and 61 percent of bisexual women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime, as opposed to 35 percent of heterosexual women.    

Research from the NCADV also goes into the racial backgrounds of DV victims. According to their site, LGBTQ Black/African American victims are more likely to experience physical intimate partner violence, compared to those who do not identify as Black/African American. 

“I was in a same-sex relationship where I was mentally, emotionally, financially, psychologically, verbally, and physically abused,” Muhammad said. “If my story can help, that’s all I want to be done. Rightfully, I want the most to be done in the Black and LGBTQIA communities because our stories matter.” 

Now that Muhammaed is out of her abusive relationship, she feels as though she can notice red flags much quicker and pay attention to them more. 

“Making excuses for someone who is abusing you in any way should never be tolerated,” Muhammad said. “I learned from this that I deserve better than what was happening to me.” 

 

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