Advice on dating apps: keep it real

By Monica Sudfield | Published March 1, 2018

Sabrina Argentina glanced down at her phone to see a message informing her that she was just “super liked” on the online dating app, Tinder. Intrigued by what – or better yet, whom – she was greeted by when opening the alert, she decided to “like” the man back and start chatting with him.

“I think I got myself a keeper from Tinder, who would’ve thought?” said the 21 year old.

In the past, Argentina believed relationships that originated online were weird and short lived. It wasn’t until she met her current boyfriend, Christian Paone, on Tinder that she began to look at online dating differently.

According to author Emory A. Griffin in his textbook “A First Look at Communication Theory”, scholars have been unsure since back in the 1980s about whether or not people could form strong relationships through computer-mediated communication. With the advancement of technology comes the evolution of online communication, which demonstrates the reality of online relationship formation.

Griffin touches upon the Social Information Processing Theory created by Joseph Walter back in 1992, which proves that connections can be made through online communication alone and that these online relationships can grow as long as disclosure stays consistent.

“I think you can definitely form a connection with someone online,” said Kaitlin Murphy, member of the Tinder community and former user of Bumble. “While it is still a unique relationship, the connection can definitely be formed and maintained.”

In order to maintain an online relationship with someone of interest, self-disclosure and constant communication is key. Walther stressed the idea of extended time, which suggests that computer-mediated conversations exchange information at a slower rate than face-to-face conversations. Because nonverbal cues are absent in online communication, more conversation is needed for individuals to gain a better sense of who the person is.

Murphy highlights that all relationships formed online do not have to be romantic and that she met someone two years ago through twitter who she considers a close friend.

“We haven’t physically met because of the distance between us, but after two years he is still my friend and someone I feel as comfortable talking to as I would any of my other friends,” says the 20 year old who exchanges text messages, talks via FaceTime and telephone with her online friend frequently.

In real life, when seeing someone in person, there is the opportunity to approach him or her and initiate conversation. Once the discussion has gone on for a while, typically one would have a good idea about whether or not they’ll meet up with this person ever again.

Using an online dating app follows the same agenda: Encounter a photo one finds attractive, send a message to the individual, engage in conversation to decide if they are worthy of a face-to-face hangout.

“The whole process is easier online,” says Argentina. “If you don’t like someone you can say ‘See ya’ without hurting anyone’s feelings or having that awkward in person ‘not interested/I have a fake boyfriend’ conversation.”

Argentina’s claim demonstrates the idea that people tend exhibit more confidence online than they would face to face.

According to an article written by Larry Rosen, Nancy Cheever, Cheyenne Cummings and Julie Felt in 2008 titled “The impact of emotionality and selfdisclosure on online dating versus traditional dating”, individuals who converse online reveal more information about themselves within the first few emails exchanged than people speaking face-to-face.

In the novel “Love Online: Emotions on the Internet” author Ben-Ze-ev suggests that cyberspace allows individuals to feel as if they are revealing their private information in a private world. A feeling that is incapable in real life scenarios and situations.

Online Dating Magazine states that as of 2012, there were more than 5,000 online dating services worldwide with nearly 2,500 in the United States alone. There are so many users on dating websites that it is one of the most profitable online markets, adds the magazine.

“The internet opens up so many opportunities for you that you might have not found just looking on your own,” said Murphy.

Murphy’s claim is only further emphasized with the fact that there are specific dating sites for practically everything and everyone. The Huffington Post states that by 2010, there were dating sites geared precisely towards location, sexual orientation, religion, race, and even discrete hobbies.

Match.com customer support member Aiessa M. says every month they receive emails reciting love stories, invitations to weddings of lovers who met on the site and even birth announcements of couples first babies.

Roberto Ferdman, writer for The Washington Post, confirms that in this day of age approximately one in four straight couples meet online, in addition to two out of every three gay couples.

One reason scholars many years ago disagreed with Walther’s claim about relationship formation through online communication was due to the absence of nonverbal cues. These cues are everything we see and interpret from people’s body language to facial expression.

When you communicate online, you don’t experience the individual’s nonverbal cues and vise versa. With the technology of video chatting, nonverbal cues are now more easily expressed and experienced online, but in the past this was a big factor in why forming bonds online was looked at negatively.

Sandi Smith and Steven Wilson, authors of the book “New Directions in Interpersonal Communication Research” discuss a legitimate counterargument to the theory of absent nonverbal cues.

Smith and Wilson say that arguing nonverbal cues are a necessity to building a relationship eliminates the possibility of individuals who are blind to form bonds.

Since nonverbal cues are all based on what one sees and witnesses, individuals who do not have the ability to do so never experience nonverbal cues even if they are communicating face-to-face.

Although nonverbal cues tell you a lot about an individual and help you interpret how they are feeling, the fact that individuals who are blind can form relationships without them establishes online relationships can too.

The issues that worry people who engage in online relationships today, is the idea of the person the meet actually being who they say they are and they idea that they may never actually get to meet their online friend.

“I think online dating can be very successful but also very dangerous,” said Murphy. “If you meet online, talk for a little while then develop a real life relationships, the romance isn’t diminished at all. It only becomes distorted when your relationship only ever exists online.”

Shows like MTV’s catfish are real life examples of individual’s that meet someone online, form a relationship, and yet never actually get to meet with the person they are connecting with.

Although the show is what typically brings the two individuals to a much delayed face-to-face encounter, sometimes one of the people is not who they said they were throughout the online relationship.

“You could like someone online and it could be a lie in person,” said Argentina.

There are a lot of circumstances in which people “catfish”, which is when they use pictures of someone other then themselves, create a fake profile and pretend to be someone they aren’t while forming relationships with people online.

Although there are pro’s and con’s to online dating and communicating, real life face-to-face interaction also has positives and negatives. It all comes down to the individual’s personal preference.

Online dating is not for everyone, but the success that it has measured through the years is a legitimate display of what can occur when you expand beyond your hometown, typical hangout locations and friend groups.

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