Despite being ‘killed in the eyes of family,’ Muslim woman chooses love over arranged marriage
By Rafaela Teixeira | Published by July 24, 2019
She was working at her campus job at Kean University, wearing the traditional hijab of her Muslim faith, when a fellow student instantly caught her eye.
In modern day fashion, she sent him a direct message on Facebook. That one action would inadvertently lead her later to an excruciating choice between love and family. Their intense love affair was a secret to almost everyone because her Muslim Indian family would not approve of her dating a Catholic Colombian man.
She ultimately left the love of her life for an unhappy and abusive marriage, unknowingly set up by her family. She shared her struggle to follow her heart and risk her family’s disapproval to create awareness about the dangers of arranged marriage. The student, who is a senior, soon to be graduating, asked not to be identified because of the personal nature of her story.
“I was married for a little over a year and I stayed because I was scared and I didn’t know how to go about it,” she said. “I was afraid and nervous because I always knew I didn’t want to be [married to him] if I wasn’t happy.”
At first, getting into a relationship with a man she knew wouldn’t end up being her husband seemed irrelevant.
“I was raised knowing I would have to marry a Muslim guy, but I was always the black sheep,” she explained. “I didn’t want to be one of those girls that thought ‘oh I could’ve done this’ or ‘I should’ve done that’.”
She decided to follow her heart and build a strong connection with a man of an entirely different religion and culture.
When she was 21 years old, her family believed she was too old to be single. Her younger cousin, who at the time was 16, had gotten married, which created an urgency for her to get married as well.
Her parents decided to invite a man she had never met before over their home for dinner and shortly after he left, they told her that she would marry him.
She noted, however, that in Indian culture, forced arranged marriages are accepted, whereas religiously they are not. She also explained that her parents are more culturally inclined than they are religiously.
According to muslimmatters.org, an arranged marriage should not be seen as a forced marriage. Many Muslims will often meet their future spouses through familial connections. In her case, through her great uncle, who is the eldest in her maternal family.
“It wasn’t really ‘we will disown you’,” she said. “It was more like ‘this is your only option’.”
Although her secret relationship had been fairly new, she had to break the news of her sudden engagement to her boyfriend and explain that even though she loved him, she couldn’t leave her family.
“It was the hardest thing in my life,” she said. “Even today, I think about it and I start tearing up because witnessing him crying on my lap and seeing his helplessness makes me sad.”
She broke off their relationship and was engaged for nearly three months before having a traditional Indian wedding.
“For a young girl you always look forward to your wedding,” she said. “Especially being Indian, I grew up knowing that I would have a 4-5 day wedding and it would be extravagant, but I never imagined faking a smile through all of that.”
Her friends knew how she felt and that she was putting up a front for her family, but they never knew the extent of her unhappiness in her first marriage.
“I knew my first marriage was not right because it was forced upon me,” she said. “I didn’t have any choice and so I never really accepted the fact that I was married because in my heart I wasn’t.”
She also explained that young Muslim women will often put up a “front to show that they’re happy,” hoping to be accepted by society– noting that divorce is a “taboo topic” in her religion and culture.
According to the Rutgers University National Marriage Project, the divorce rate for the North American Muslim community was about 31 percent when the study was conducted in the 1990s by Ilyas Ba-Yunus.
However, after multiple incidents where her first husband physically and emotionally abused her in the duration of their marriage, she took it upon herself to file for divorce without her parents’ consent and his knowledge.
“When I was like ‘screw society’ and went my own way… I was killed in the eyes of my family,” she said.
While in the process of her divorce and still maintaining her education, she reunited with the man she initially fell in love with.
She explained that their relationship became different and he was willing to do anything to keep her, including converting to Islam.
Although most of her family disowned her, she slowly mended her relationship with her parents and siblings and introduced them to her boyfriend who had every intention of becoming Muslim for her.
“We knew right away that we wanted to get married,” she said. “So instead of having an extravagant wedding where we spent a lot of money for other people instead of ourselves, we had a very intimate wedding ceremony.”
Their “simple Islamic wedding ceremony in the mosque” included both of their parents and some very close friends.
“We were happy and even though it was a smaller ceremony, I was present and I was happy,” she said.
She explained that his interest in Islam has grown and he often leans on her parents for advice on conversion and understanding their religion.
Although she doesn’t have many regrets regarding her life, she shared that her experiences in being married to an abusive man make her an advocate.
“I should’ve opened my mouth about my ex-husband earlier and showed his reality instead of keeping my mouth shut,” she said. “In our culture it’s better to suck it up rather than spill our dirty laundry, but I should’ve spilled it anyway.”
Her advice to other young Muslim women is to be educated and have discernment in life situations. She noted that no one should “suffer through it because they’re alone,” but instead “fight for themselves.”
“Although I had my current husband to fall back on, I always had my education,” she explained. “I knew right from wrong and I knew that even if I didn’t have him, I would’ve still gotten out of it because I had my education to back me up and that it would one day get me a job.”