By: Susan Berube-Leiva | Publish Date: September 16, 2026
My name is Susan. Some of you may know me as the Alternate Student Trustee, others may know me as a General Education Mentor (GEM), and many of you just know me as a fellow student. What most people are not aware of are the things I struggle with and have struggled with for a very long time. In honor of National Suicide Prevention Month, and my twenty-first birthday, I’d finally like to share my truth.
It was the second semester of my freshman year at the university, spring 2024. I had just achieved a 4.0 GPA in the fall, having aced all my classes. I was determined to continue down this road until I graduated, to hopefully become valedictorian or at least graduate with honors reaching summa cum laude (i.e. 3.85+ GPA). I was always one to think ahead and never live in the present moment.
However, shortly after the spring semester began, I started becoming depressed again. Depression is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, given the many things I have yet to heal from throughout my life. Something that I have come to learn that contributes to it is stress. At the time, I was adapting to a new living environment with my partner and his family, I was still adjusting to university life and how to balance my coursework and extracurriculars, and I was continuously battling things I never healed from (e.g. family issues). However, there really was nothing out-of-the-ordinary about that semester. Nevertheless, it was a semester that triggered me. Depression comes upon you when you least expect it.
It gradually got worse as the semester went on. I started skipping classes because I didn’t want to get out of bed or at most, my car. I was handing assignments in late, sometimes not at all. I was repeatedly late for my shifts at work. I had to create a fake persona of myself to convince others that I was okay and deter them from suspecting anything.
I remember, at that time, I was a Student Government Association (SGA) Class of 2027 Senator. We decided to host Instagram takeovers, giving viewers an inside look into our daily lives. On the day of my takeover, I got out of bed, got dressed, and headed to school alongside my partner. When we got to school, I lost all motivation to do anything that day. I’m still unsure of why this happened (or still happens occasionally). I posted an introductory video of myself on Instagram from the car and did not move an inch for around six hours. I then posted on the Instagram with a text that said, ‘Just finished classes, now onto work!’ Little did anyone know, I had skipped all my classes that day but was too embarrassed to say it.
On April 19th of that year, I decided that life wasn’t worth living anymore. I’m going to spare the details, but my depression had never gotten to the point of me deciding to let it win, until that day. Thankfully, I had my angel, my then-boyfriend, now-husband, to save me.
That day was a reality check for me, in multiple ways. If I had succeeded that day, I would’ve just become a name on a gravestone. If I had succeeded that day, I wouldn’t have had the chance to travel the world, publish my memoir, help people and animals in need, or become valedictorian, like I once dreamed. I wouldn’t have had the chance to talk with or hug my partner and cats. I wouldn’t have had the chance to wake up and see another day.
I haven’t attempted again after that day, but that’s not to say that the depression just magically went away. It did not; I still fought it afterwards for a very long time. I still fight it now. But there has been so much growth, motivation, and happiness that has filled the time between then and now. It’s something I also want to share, because I know many of you are in the position I was in two years ago. And I want you to get to the position I am in now, because I know you can.
Since then, I’ve met with therapists at Kean and outside of Kean. I met with a Kean social worker for some time. I’ve learned how to balance the different parts of my life, although I still get tired sometimes. I go to a local park to enjoy the natural environment and let my thoughts come and go. I started reading again, as it was a long-lost hobby that I really enjoyed. I became involved with organizations that help people, which has made me feel like I’m finally living in my purpose. I opened up about my struggles with my partner, who has been patient, kind, and understanding through it all. I got married to him this past summer! My best friend, who was struggling alongside me back then, is now prospering alongside me. I stop and smell the roses every once in a while, to enjoy the little things that people typically miss. I take life one day at a time.
Depression can make you feel like you are drowning in a world full of negativity. I realized there’s so much more to life than the things I have struggled with. There’s so much more to me, and who I am, than the things I have struggled with. I still have not fully healed from everything, but I no longer let it define me or my life now. And when things arise, because they always do, I think about how far I’ve come and the fact that I’m still here today. Today, I’ve just turned twenty-one, an age I may have never reached had I succeeded two years ago. I call that an accomplishment. I see the courage and strength I carry, and I applaud myself for it. I see that there is still a fight in me and that there is still life in me.
To those struggling, please take my story as an example of how yours could be if you continue on. The sun rises every day because there is always a reason to wake up. Look for those reasons to wake up if they aren’t coming to you, because you have a purpose in this life. Your purpose is to exist.
O Me! O Life! by Walt Whitman, “… The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.”
National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline – 988
You must be logged in to post a comment.