How to Handle Conflict in College

By: Cimmiaron Alvarez, PhD

During the transition to college, students experience conflict with their friends, family members, romantic partners, and especially roommates. Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two individuals who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other in achieving their goal.  

For example, roommates might disagree on what clean means within their dorm room. One might believe that the room is clean if there is nothing on the floor. The other might view the room as being clean only when everything is put away, the beds are made, and the floor has been both swept and mopped.  

Of note, conflict does not mean that individuals actually have different goals, a lack of resources, or are experiencing meddling. Instead, it means that the individuals believe that they are experiencing these things.  

Romantic partners might experience conflict as one makes new friends. The partner that is angry might perceive the new friends as taking their partner away from them. In this case, the individual does not realize that their romantic partner can include them and their friends in activities and spend time with everyone.  

Types of Conflict 

When addressing conflict, individuals might engage in three types of conflict: (a) distributive conflict, (b) avoidant conflict, and (c) integrative conflict.  

Distributive conflict occurs when individuals compete with their conflict partner so that they can reach their goals and undermine the conflict partner’s outcomes. In a friend group, a high school friend might not like that their friend is making new college friends. This individual might engage in conflict with the new friends and say something like: “it is them or me, and I’ve been your friend since we were kids!” 

Secondly, avoidant conflict occurs when individuals limit communication with their conflict partner about a problematic situation. Following a disagreement with a parent about grades, a student might engage in avoidant conflict when they do not answer nor return their parent’s calls or texts. When they do finally talk to their parent, they might avoid the topic of grades all together. 

Finally, integrative conflict is when conflict partners cooperate with each other to identify a mutually satisfying solution. For example, first-year students in a long-distance relationship might experience conflict because one partner wants to spend every weekend together and the other wants to have a few weekends a month to establish new friendships at school. 

Through integrative conflict, the couple might recognize that they both want to spend time together, but they do need to establish an independent social life. Through the conflict, the couple can decide to spend every other weekend with each other. In doing so, they will each only have to travel once a month, and they will have time to develop their new friendships.  

Managing Conflict 

Although conflict is often framed negatively, it can help relationships develop. This is particularly true when individuals focus on engaging in integrative, rather than distributive or avoidant, conflict.  

One way that you can manage conflict in a healthy manner is to remember the acronym VOCAB which stands for vulnerability, ownership, communication, acceptance, and boundaries. 

Vulnerability requires that individuals are open about their feelings and fears. Ownership is about taking responsibility for the part that you played in the conflict.  

Communication emphasizes individuals using “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. For example, saying: “When you don’t text me goodnight, I feel like you no longer care about me,” instead of: “You don’t text me goodnight, so clearly you don’t care about me.” During communication, using “I” statements helps with vulnerability and recognizing how you are feeling, rather than ascribing meaning to you conflict partner’s behavior. 

Next is acceptance, or acknowledging the other person’s reality. You do not have to agree with their reality, but you must recognize and accept it. Finally, boundaries help define what needs to be done to move forward.  

For example, say that roommates are struggling with having different bedtimes. One roommate likes to stay up late with the lights on and then sleep in until late morning. The other roommate goes to bed early and wakes up early in the morning turning on the lights.  

To facilitate integrative conflict, they might practice VOCAB. First, they each take turns being vulnerable by explaining that they are not getting enough sleep, it is difficult for them to focus on their work, and they are falling asleep in class.  

Second, they each take ownership by acknowledging that they are contributing to the other’s disrupted sleep. During communication, they each use “I” statements where they emphasized their preferred bedtime and wake-up time.  

Throughout the conversation, they both accept the other’s preference. One roommate is an early bird and likes to go to bed and wake up early because that is when they do their best work. Meanwhile, the other roommate is a night owl who prefers to study late at night. Through boundaries they practice integrative conflict, the roommates decide that they can both have their preferred sleep schedule.  

The early bird roommate will get up, get ready in the bathroom, and then leave the room to work in the library or at a coffee shop in the morning while the other sleeps. The night owl roommate will study in the library or common room late at night; when they are ready for bed, they will get ready in the bathroom and slip into the room. 

In this example, both roommates were able to maintain their preferred sleep schedule while also getting the rest that they needed. Integrative conflict and VOCAB allow individuals to develop creative solutions that are a win/win for both parties. 

Conflict is a normal part of life, especially during big transitions, like the one from high school to college. Rather than viewing conflict negatively, it can help friends, family members, and romantic partners develop solutions that strengthen the relationship. The key to strengthening the relationship through conflict is by using integrating conflict and finding mutually beneficial solutions.